Wreckage of Addiction

I understand addiction now. I never did in the past.
How could anyone do something so self-destructive, knowing that they're bound to get hurt themselves, and also inflict pain upon their surroundings?
It just seemed too inexplicably easy for men to just stop, and pour away a glass of gin that was currently half filled.
Filled with emotions, lust, secrets, pain, faith and a shitload of emotional truths.
They just stop, and not take that drink. It's so simple for them, really.
But as so often that I happen to see the truth in human nature, my arrogance kept me from withdrawing.

Every day, I tell myself it would be the last.
Every night as I'm falling asleep, I tell myself to get away from this current scene, doesn't matter where I'd go, as long as its not here.
Away from him, - before this goes even just one step further..
And then his words touches me again, and all my convictions disappear like smoke in the wind.

This can't end well. That's the crux of the matter, the Sweets.
I have been here before, cruising upon the same road.
I have been here before, and there's only heartache at the end.
There's no easy happy ending just hanging onto my hat, just as there was easily, for just anybody else.
If I stay, I'd become bitter and angry. It's happening already, and I cannot stop it.
I'm becoming restless and irritable, and it isn't till long that I'd be intolerable like always
And eventually, he'll leave me too...
But if I do what I have to do, what my very nature forces and compels my soul to do, to move on, the end.... is no better.
One way or another, he'll be gone.
Is it not wiser to accept the fact that this leap of happiness I own, is destined to self-destruct?
Tomorrow I will leave, tomorrow I will stop delaying the inevitable, tomorrow I will quit lying to myself.

To-fucking-morrow.

This is me saying goodbye, I can't handle it anymore
I can't take the constant ups and downs of bipolarity of your nature.
You being there, and then you not being there.
Where were you when I needed you the most?
Words and empty promises, you men are pretty darn good at it.

guess the blatant fact was pretty much already laid out right in-front of my eyes:
#1 placing my heart into the hands of another human, giving them full responsibility for it, instead of guarding it well
#2 knowing that homo-sapiens are imperfect by nature, yet allowing the last fragments of faith to shatter under the darkness of fragility and utter carelessness

I hate it when someone convinces you that you can open up to them.
They promise that they'll be there for you no matter what.
Then once you start to talk to them about personal, painful things, they ABANDON you. Just like that.
I don't understand.
Why would they tell someone they'll be there... but when it gets to be too much, they pick up, pack their bags, and leave.

You think i want to push people away?

It is the only thing I can do to keep myself from being hurt.
All my life, I've had countless of people leave me time and again when I've placed my utmost trust in them.
So now, whenever people start getting close, or if something is going wrong... I start to push those I care about away... you think i want you to leave?
I don't. I want you to fight for me, to prove that you truly value the existence of me and my company.
Because if you don't, you won't fight for me.
But i guess like everyone else in my life, you grew tired of my erratic nature, and vanished.
You won't fight to stay with me. It hurts.
But if that is what you want, fine. I'll deal with the pain as long as you're happy

“You get use to someone—start to like them, even—and they leave. In the end, everyone leaves.” ― Rachel Ward, Numbers

And before you know it.... 
“We were involved in that awkward procedure of getting to un-know each other.” 
i told you, you'd get sick of me. everyone does.
i miss someone who doesn't miss me at all, and that kinda really fucking hurts.

The way I am trying to think of issues, is that when people enter your life: it is a gift and your job to figure out how.
Every time someone new enters, I try very hard to see everyone as an opportunity to grow and learn.
It doesn't always feel like this at the start though, but I'll try to learn something from everyone.
The thing with this, is you're a gift to that person as well.
Cherish yourself. Also try to realise that we're all individuals with out own path to follow.
Sometimes people go different ways from what we yearn for, but that doesn't vicissitude the ultimate experience or joy they've brought into your life.




What about today, you ask?
Today it's already too late. It has begun.
He's already on his move, his sweetness of enclosed captivity, his words, his smile.
And I will pretend. Pretend like this fragile, dangerous thing we have created between us, can last forever.
Just one last time, just one last fix. That's all I need.
And that is why I now understand - the truth of addiction.






i like storms, they let me know that even the sky screams, too.