Divergent

“I feel too much. That's what's going on.' 'Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel in the wrong ways?' 'My insides don't match up with my outsides.' 'Do anyone's insides and outsides match up?' 'I don't know. I'm only me.' 'Maybe that's what a person's personality is: the difference between the inside and outside.”

― Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Wow, its pretty incredible how I'm feeling exactly like the quote right above. I don't know just what I want or what I'm doing. Everything feels different. In fact, I'm not even sure... of myself.

Friendship, love and family; the three most treasured things in my life.

I guess there are times when we all feel a little emotional but to give unconditionally without unreciprocated intentions is starting to hurt like a little bitch. 

This is probaby just one of those nights where I'm unable to control my thoughts to put them straight.

I just feel so distanced and different nowadays, I'm not even sure why.

It is just.......... different. Its like I've lost interest in everything.

I've been barely able to do anything correctly and I just want to be left alone.

I don't feel like talking at times, but I try. I really try.

I want to be alone, but I don't want to feel lonely (yes, there is a difference)

We can hardly communicate to a deeper level anymore, and I feel so..... distanced.

I don't even know whats happening.

I hope its all just a phase.

Fear. 

Fear of being different, having an inferiority complex, fear of not being loved, fear of having to go through the same emotions I've once experienced before. 

I don't know what I'm afraid of and sometimes, these fear just tears me up inside.

Being an only child really isn't easy at times. I wished I had someone there with me to go through this entire phase, someone who can understand me wholly. 

Someone who doesn't feel like I'm inadequate or, too different to be with. 

But I guess I'm kinda used to keeping to myself.

I once came across this quote:

There are two basic motivating forces in life, fear & love.

When we are afraid, we pull back from life. 

When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement and acceptance.

We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and imperfections.

If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open up our ability to love others.

Well, 

“It's never the differences between people that surprise us. It's the things that, against all odds we have in common.”

 guess I've found my answer.