Safe Haven

Like the waves, my heart is crashing.
The tides so rough, it supersedes anything in its way, leaving a shell with bare nothingness.
All of us are fighting a war within our inner reach. This brings back memories of when I was a kid.
Never did I expect to find myself in the same situation that I was guarding myself from.
Despite shielding my thoughts and emotions with walls, your actions managed to tear them down.
And you tore them down damn well.
You have succeeded in breaking me.

Here I am, worn out from everything.
I'm so tired. Tired of expecting the extraordinary from the ordinary.
Waiting everyday with the slightest bit of hope despite countless of advises to give up.
I don't think I could ever forget what we had, or how I was manipulated.
How I gave you courage, yet you only managed to break me further and disappoint me.

I lived my life trying to find the answer to your daily woes, suicidal thoughts seeped in and made the better of me. I would do anything for you without expecting a tinge of reciprocation.
It kills me knowing that you were once my everything, whilst I am only an episode.

Life has a way of going in circles. Ideally, it would be a straight path forward - we'd always know where we're going, we'd always be able to move on and leave everything behind.
There would be nothing but the present and the future.
Instead, we always find ourselves back where we first started.
When we try to move ahead, we end up taking a step back.
We carry everything with us, the weight exhausting us till we collapse and surrender.
We forget the things we try to remember. We remember the things we'd rather forget.
The most frightening thing about memory, is that it leaves no choice.
It has mastered an incomprehensible art of forgetting.
It erases, it smudges, it fills in blank spaces with details that doesn't exist.

But however we remember it - or choose to remember it, the past is the foundation that holds our lives in place.
Without its support, we'd have nothing for guidance.
We've spent so much time focusing on what lies ahead, when what has fallen behind is just as important. What defines us isn't where we're going but where we've been.
It teaches us a lesson.
There are places and people we will never see again.

And although we move on and let them go, they'll always remain a part of who we are.
There are things that'll never change, things we will carry with us always.
But as we venture into the murky future, we must find our strength by learning to leave things behind.
- Brigid Gorry

And as of now, I'm confidently starting to erase you from my life, however hard it seems.
You were there for a reason, and clearly it had impacted me well.
However, I am going to embrace that lesson to become a better person for me to blossom into.
Every life experience is a learning journey no matter bitter or sweet.
This lunacy was a lesson well learnt and whilst this journey was an arduous one, I've learnt to love myself even better.